9/30/10

Its been one month now... not getting any easier. Gosh I miss you mom! So much reminds me of you.

9/23/10

3 weeks today and it still hurts so bad. I miss you so much mommy. I got my hair cut today and I got bangs done and it reminded me of you. I'm also getting my hair colored next week and it will be red like yours, like we used to do when I was in high school. Gosh mom you were such a rock star!
I miss you mom and "Love you more!, You have no idea"

9/20/2010

Nothing Compares To You.
This song will always remind me of you mom. I remember playing Sinead O'Conner records when I was younger and you always loving this song. I know its about a boy but really Mommy, nothing compares to you.

It's been seven hours and fifteen days
Since you took your love away
I go out every night and sleep all day
Since you took your love away
Since you been gone I can do whatever I want
I can see whomever I choose
I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant
But nothing
I said nothing can take away these blues
`Cause nothing compares
Nothing compares to you

It's been so lonely without you here
Like a bird without a song
Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling
Tell me baby where did I go wrong
I could put my arms around every boy I see
But they'd only remind me of you
I went to the doctor n'guess what he told me
Guess what he told me
He said girl u better try to have fun
No matter what you'll do
But he's a fool
`Cause nothing compares
Nothing compares to you

all the flowers that you planted, mama
In the back yard
All died when you went away
I know that living with you baby was sometimes hard
But I'm willing to give it another try
Nothing compares
Nothing compares to you
Nothing compares
Nothing compares to you
Nothing compares
Nothing compares to you 

09/19/10

So I haven't been ignoring you! Life has been crazy busy, we are all moved in now and have tons of boxes to unpack. I don't really have time to write much but want to let you know I miss you and think about you all the time. I love you tons!

~XoXo
Pahtooter Scooter.

Jon Schmidt - Love Story Meets Viva la Vida with MP3 Download Link

A Little musical therapy...

09/14/10

Dear Mommy,
"And the good news is..."
Well I am  "home" by that I mean back in Utah. Adam and I our living off boxes for now as half our stuff is at the new house and the other half is in the old home. Tomorrow we actually suppose to move over the bed. I put a picture of us up in the house. It is from my 8th grade graduation. You are so beautiful mom, everyone comments on it. I hope I can live up to you. Not much to report on today. I am still struggling as I always will. I slept pretty much all day. I probably really needed it. I was suppose to go to school but I just couldnt get out of bed, nor did I want to. Also daddy found your phone! Surprise surprise, it was in the basement. I miss you mom every moment. The hardest moment is at night when I go to say prayer. Its so hard to not want to pray for your health and happiness. Though I still pray for you every day my prayers are now different and it is difficult to say. But I still pray for your happiness.
I love you mommy! Oodles and ooodles, you give me strength.

Love,
Pahtooter Scooter.

September 12th 2010 II

Man I keep having memories of you Mommy. Like the time when I was in between Oswego and Landmark and we would go to The Office and order the Bannana creme pie and watching American Idol on the TV there. Or watching the Olympics in North Carolina when Adam came hone. Or just the drives we would take the the mall and the awesome conversations we would have. Your goofy little dances you would do when your happy, man I love those. I remember going to Tiffanys with you to buy your Diabetic bracelet and having to track down the one gold one in the country they had left, but we did it!
I really hope I can make your proud. I pray that I can live up to your name. You really are a star. The world is missing an amazing person. I love you oodles and oodles

~Pahtooter Scooter.

Update III
So I really can't sleep tonight. It is my last night in NJ and God knows I miss you. I am sitting here watching The Hangover thinking you will never know about my trip to Vegas with Jenna in a few weeks. or the many other travels and adventures I have. We never did get to take you on that trip to Wyoming, Yellowstone and all those amazing places. Man mom this world is not the same place without you. Just know that I survive for you and because of you. I hope they deliver these letters to you in heaven and that you can be proud of me.
... Love you More

September 12th 2010

Dear Mommy,
I had another dream about you and about loosing you. It kept repeating in my head about loosing you and than you would come back because you weren't really gone. It hurts to feel the pain of loosing you. Maybe you aren't really gone. I see you in everything. I don't want that to ever stop. I fear it stopping. I love you with all my heart mama. Some days are harder than others. Today was really hard. You are my lifeline.

Love you more
~Pahtooter Scootter.

September 11th 2010

Today we held a service in your honor. It gave me some comfort oddly enough that it was on 9/11. I still remember that horrible day and hearing your soothing voice over the phone at school. That was back in the day when I had the Nokia with the funny monkey cover, before I ever really used my cell phone. I remember being in the girls bathroom trying to call you. But also it brings me comfort because I know I am not alone in grieving. It was by no means fair for me to lose you, but I was blessed to have you. 
The service, it was beautiful like you.
I spoke but I forgot to say the one thing I really wanted to.
How much you taught me to love. You taught me to love like no other could your heart is huge and incredible I only pray I was blessed with the strength to love as you did.
I miss you every day, when will you come back to me? I cry every night as Adam embraces me. His touch reminds me of how you used to hold me when I was falling apart. He gives me hope. But I fear having to suffer this loss again in my life as I know I must. But I pray it is far far away. I was so blessed to have you for a mommy. I always said I wanted to be as the women in my family are. Strong. and you are STRONG. To me you will always be invincible. Heavenly father knows I love you, and I will love you more and more each day.

Miss you More!
Your Pahtooter Scooter.

September 10th 2010

Letters to Mommy                                                                                          September 10^th 2010

Its 5am, I can’t sleep. I should be calling you to say whats up since I can’t sleep. Normally you would be sipping your coffee on the settle with Little mouse on top of you. You are the only one who can get her to come out. Im trying its not working! God knows I miss you. I miss your touch. I miss hugging and holding you. I know I should have stayed. I painfully and always will regret ever leaving you. I was stupid stupid stupid. As I always am. God please know how much I love you momma. Please forgive me for me stupidity. I never saw this coming, I saw the signs and I ignored them because I got scared. You were trying to tell me something and I laughed it off and walked away. I am so painfully sorry I ever left you. You were and are my life. I will never stop loving you and my love grows each day. I can’t believe I survived a week without you. I never thought I would lose you ever, none the less so sudden and so soon. I pray you were comforted by your mother and father and were not alone. I feel you in my heart I feel you in my daily actions. I will strive to keep your spirit alive and allow you to live through me. I will teach my children to love the way you loved. I will pride myself on the fact that if they grow up to be good responsible loving caring citizens that that is more important than money gifts or anything else. I hope I never let you down. I love you. I read your journals and I know you left them for me. I feel comfort in your words. Please don’t ever leave me. I love you more mom! “you have no idea”

                Sara